jOkelahoma to be exact, and by virtue of that fact, everytime I go online to engage in any internet activities I get to do it through the magical world of dial-up.
Did I say “magical”?
I meant MASOCHISTIC, masochistic world of dial-up. Where my balls are laid out on a pile of nails and a clown stomps them silly.
Now, I can get DSL or even satellite if I want to be ass raped for $100+ every month, but first the providers will want to thoroughly face fuck me for a range of fees and taxes. By comparison, I was paying $50 a month for 3Meg internet in Las Vegas 5 years ago with basic cable and movie channels included.
But this is here and now, and regardless of where you are dial-up is a fucktastical experience in containment and frustration.
For example.
Email. This will probably be the least painful endeavor you have on the internet through your shitty 56k modem. I use Gmail, and it’s tolerable if you don’t load the images. I had to ditch my Yahoo mail account as it was complete shit with all its fucking design clutter and buffoonery. It would never fully load. I always found myself drifting into a slow irreversible coma waiting for all the bullshit to finish just so I could see “Inbox (0)”.
Gaming, videos, and music. Do you like rampaging across a virtual battlefield spraying volleys of lead and fire at online adversaries; capturing it all on video, adding your choice of badass music to it and sharing your creation with the world through Youtube? Me too, but you won’t be doing any of that shit through dial-up. A simple 720×480 video, around 30-40 megabytes in size, running approximately 3-4 minutes, and I shit you not, takes no less than 8-12 fucking hours to upload. I tested it.
Instead Pokerstars will be your game of choice, or some other shitty lethargy-inducing card game. Just don’t try and do anything else online while you’re playing like surf porn. Because your web experience will suddenly breach the barrier of agonizing crawl speed and plummet straight into the internet molasses of death speed category.
Porn. It’s the reason the Gods created the internet. But you won’t be having any eye-popping orgasms with dial-up, because by the time the big-tittied-assfucked-bitch JPG finishes crawling slowly down your screen you will have just passed out from boredom.
Oh the fucking joy.
Dial-up internet is a relic from the past, an obstruction to future progress on par with the Pope, war, religion, and modern day prohibition. We don’t need the shit, we should outlaw the shit, and prosecute and jail anyone who advocates the shit.
But thanks to corporate greed, investor avarice, and government incompetence, it will be around for a long time, and America will maintain its 3rd rate status in the 21st century when it comes to available and affordable high-speed internet for its beloved fat citizens.
Go Team U.S.A.!
Peyote Sands 